Three Things I Did to Transform My Love Life

My 20s were a series of situation ships, flirtations, questionable decisions and a couple of serious relationships thrown in the mix.

It was a mix of love, devastation, joy, confusion, fun and despair.

Sometimes I felt doomed to repeat the same mistakes forever.

There were times I felt like I would never have the good, deep, secure love I dreamed of.

Now I have that and more.

It sounds cliched to say, but my man is beyond anything I could have dreamed up. Based on my own points of reference, my experiences, my understanding of what I needed, I literally couldn't have described him or our relationship before we meet.

How did I go from lost and confused to completely confident I'm in the right relationship?

I looked at my role in my previous relationship.

This was a confronting process. Revisiting painful memories and being honest with myself about my behaviour.

Recognising how I was feeling and the action that followed.

I felt distance in a previous relationship and in hindsight, I wouldn't have wanted to spend time with me either. I wasn't enjoyable to be around.

Of course, the more distance I sensed, the more I acted out in a misguided attempt to get the attention I was missing.

This isn't an exercise in right or wrong or finding blame.

A relationship is between two people and the dissolution of a relationship involves both people. Everyone had a part to play.

What I was doing is being honest about my patterns. Seeing how I reacted when things aren't going well.

I was able to process that pain. To forgive myself for behaving in ways I'm not proud of. That release meant I haven't carried that negativity forward into my current relationship.

I found the steps outlined in Loving What Is by Byron Katie immensely helpful for all of this processing.

All of this created a lot of space to reflect on how I wanted to show up in relationships. How did I want to react to certain moments? What was a no longer willing to tolerate? How would I navigate challenges next time?

Now I have new awareness and new skills that support a loving relationship.

I learned how to hold myself in big emotions.

Dating can be a rollercoaster. There's the excitement of preparing for a date. Being giddy when you think it goes well. The disappointment when it doesn't.

Getting to know someone new is so fun and it brings up all sorts of emotions in us.

That is enough to knock anyone off their axis.

When I started dating again after my deep processing, I noticed when I felt wobbly.

I would observe when a lack of text had me agitated.

I would see when someone disturbed my peace.

I would acknowledge how I felt. I would comfort myself. I hugged myself a lot! I ran the bath a lot! I would lie on my back with my legs up the wall to shift into my parasympathetic nervous system. I would journal it out. Anything to hold myself in the big emotions.

And I refused to take action, e.g. send a million angry texts, when I was feeling crappy.

My priority was to regain perspective before I interacted with the other person.

Now I'm loved up and happy, all of that practice means I'm way less reactive. I don't snap as often when I'm under stress. I'm able to raise something that's bothering me when I'm neutral and able to communicate clearly instead of in the heat of the moment.

Being able to notice when you're acting from a place of trying to reduce pain or discomfort is an invaluable relationship skill. Once you have that awareness, it's much easier to recognise that now it not the time to address something and ride out the intense emotion.

It's a relationship gamechanger.

I focused on being responsible for me.

I had a conversation with a friend ages ago about how if you want your partner to take the lead on something, you need to give them the space to do it.

Release responsibility for when it's done, how it's done, all of the details.

When you're used to being in control, this is uncomfortable!

I remind myself that I don't want the mental load of owning everything in our relationship. Sometimes I will have tell myself not to say anything in order to preserve that space for my Man to lead.

There are times that I feel bad for not remembering what we have left in the fridge when we're grocery shopping. But I'm hopeless at it and he's not. We're playing to our strengths.

Those moments are uncomfortable to navigate. What I always come back to is what is best for our relationship long term?

For us to occupy different parts of the relationship, be responsible for different things. And for me to focus on my part.

Am I doing my part? Am I ok with my behaviour? Am I raising things that are bothering me? Do I feel like I'm living up to our relationship values?

This is what I can control. My contribution to the relationship.

Focusing on me is empowering. I can be in charge of me. I can't be in charge of my partner.

Your partner is responsible for themselves and their contribution.

Together you co create the relationship between you.

Every relationship teaches us something.

I don't believe it's a numbers game that you keep going until you find something that works. Doing that without reflection is a recipe for attracting the same dynamic over and over again.

For truly great love that has you grateful in your soul, you need to dig in. Examine your patterns. Decide how you want to navigate tricky moments before they happen. Practice emotional regulation and sensitive communication.

You can use your previous relationships to support that process. Find the lessons in the wreckage.

And even with all of that, your skills and awareness will be tested and stretched by even the best of relationships.

Even truly great relationships, like what I have, will still have moments that give pause for thought. To recognise maybe that wasn't my most graceful moment.

Part of the gift of being in love is how it can teach us to understand and love ourselves even deeper.

And remember, it is absolutely possible to transform your patterns and open up to the dream relationship.